Refuge from the storm

In these past few months while my blog has been quiet, my heart, mind and soul have been doing a lot of serious self reflection.  I wish I could say I was practically perfect.  I wish I could say that the daily grind was a piece of cake for me but I'd rather eat cake then the daily grind at times.  I'm painfully aware of my shortcomings and weirdness.  For the most part I have embraced this part of myself.  I'm okay being different.  I just to be really good in my differences, if that makes sense.

Before I became a mother or was married, I had a lot of time for myself.  I took time for myself.  I went to the temple weekly and worship.  I would go on lots of walks, sit on the grass and write in my journal, ponder and meditate on my life.  I created places of refuge from the storms of life.  The temple was my first sanctuary of choice and then I would either go on walks or drive somewhere secluded or go to my friend's house and visit with them. 

I realize that I don't have a refuge from the storm since I moved here.  The temple is 2.5 hours away so it isn't as often that I'm able to go.  I've made an effort to go more often but it still isn't enough for me.  I need time to let my head clear and allow my thoughts to sort themselves into something reasonable.

So as I've been practicing thriving and honestly struggling a lot this past year.  I have learned a some things.

1) I started 2013 running faster than I had strength.
2) I biffed it and biffed it hard.
3) I was hit with a lot of painful physical, mental, emotional and spiritual trials that left me feeling more vulnerable than I have felt in a long time.
4) I believe the Lord allowed these experiences for a reason.
5) I learned that my priorities were off.   I was busy keeping up this blog and only living to think of the next thing to blog about.  The next goal to set for myself to blog about.  Share what I know about alternative medicine on my blog and so forth.  I was blog centric.  I wasn't thriving.  I wasn't living with the right focus.
6) So  I have done more pondering, more praying, more journaling and self discovery.  I've learned I have a lot to work on since I stopped caring for myself after getting married.  I have thoughts and feelings I need to process in order to help myself heal inwardly.
7) I have called upon the grace of God to help me where I am weak.  I have consciously strived to exercise more faith and trust in Him and his will for me. 
8) I'm trying to make my home a place of refuge for myself.  I want it to be a place I can always find peace from the storms of life.  To feel peace even when my children are screaming.  I want the spirit in my home.
9) I have gotten rid of a lot of things.
10) I have accepted help from friends.
11) I have  allowed myself to feel more and subsequently cry a lot more and it is good.  I'm healing. 
12) I'm planning more things that nourish my heart, mind, and soul which will allow me to serve my precious children and husband with more energy and love.

I'm a work in progress.  Post likes these make me uncomfortable because why would anyone want to read about this?  It seems so blah.... but this is what I'm experiencing and I pray it'll uplift someone.

Just like a country song...

I had to laugh today because it seems like our life could easily turn into a country song  In the last few months:

• Our 2 year old got out of the house while I in the shower and went down the alley.  Since I didn't know where she was, we called the police and she was already reported and picked up by the police.  Needless to say, that was one of the WORST days of my life.  So grateful she came home safely.
• Two days after losing our daughter, I was taking a trash load of stinky diapers down stairs to go out with the trash and stepped on the side of my foot and fractured my fifth metatarsal.  Initial diagnosis was pretty serious but with much prayer, healing herbs (will blog about that later), chiropractic treatments and humoring the doctors with check up appointments I healed twice as fast and dodged surgery.
• Son has serious eczema due to food allergies.  It has gotten progressively worse throughout the Summer.  Still no answers but they'll come soon.  Very painful to watch my baby suffer like that.
• Oldest daughter started Kindergarten and is experiencing severe anxiety for a variety of reasons.  Praying to figure out how to help her cope and transition more comfortably.
• Someone shot our back window in the van.  That was fun. Not really.
• Stopped to talk to a friend before driving out of the church parking lot when her 6 year old daughter pointed out that I had a flat tire.  Not a slight flat, it was FLAT!!!!  Ofcourse my husband was home with a sick child so I was the damsel in distress (not really, it hardly phased any of us) and a couple guys we know came to our rescue.  Now I know where I spare tire is. It's underneath the van.  Good times....

So, now whenever something happens, I just laugh because it seems that is the theme of our life right now. :)

Await more posts on the joys of this Summer and many lessons I've learned. 

I have fallen.... and I'm trying to get back up!

Hi all,

I really haven't forgotten about this blog.  I think about it everyday.  Sometime in April, I just hit a wall.  Up until that point, I was on fire with my goals and feeling healthier and stronger.  One evening I had a bad dream.  I dreamt that I was in the operating room having my 5th child delivered, a beautiful little boy and my heart just burst with love for him but I never got to hold him.  In the dream, I felt my spirit leave my body and just like that I left Jared and the kids without a wife and mother.  This dream haunted me.

Technically (since I had my tubes tied), I should not be able to get pregnant again.  The dream was so real though that I was very stressed about it.  My emotions were so torn.  On one end, the love I felt for that precious little boy was intense and real, I wanted that child in my life.  But the thought of dying and leaving my family devastated me.  I think the stressed took a toll on my cycle because I was late.  That freaked me out!!!  I'm never late unless I'm pregnant.  Alas, I'm not pregnant.  It really was just a dream.  I didn't handle it well, though.

Dreams can have such a power over us sometimes.  Well, it totally threw me off my course.  I just nose dived into a funk.  My thoughts have been darker and more self critical than they have been in a LONG time.  My physical strength and motivation plummeted that same week.  Something happened and I'm still trying to pinpoint what exactly happened in that experience that would create such a fall for me. 

Then because I'm me and guilt-prone, I felt bad for not being able to say that I'm on the road to thriving.  I let myself down and who likes to announce to the world that they are weak?  I feel terribly weak and alone.  I write this and my mind is telling me that no one can relate to me.  No one is as pathetic as I am at this point and who wants to hear or be around that?  I sure don't at this moment.  See!?!  Aren't my thoughts horrible!?!  I'm sure I'm not alone and that there are others who relate to this and probably also relate to feeling alone in suffering.  Our minds are so strange and fascinating. 

Anyway, I really despise these feelings.  It makes me feel like no one can ask me for help or is comfortable being around me and that people just want to let me be to sort things out.   Gosh, then I feel like a freak for even acknowledging this.  Oh well, this is how I feel and despite how irrational I know it is... it is what it is. 

Last night, I was reading an article on the Law of Attraction and the importance of expressing gratitude in our lives (and how blessings will begin to flow more abundantly as we have and express more gratitude).  It hit me, I haven't been in the most grateful spirit for the last month or so.  Let me end this long post with what I am grateful for:

1) Prayer - I know my Father and Heaven hears and answers my prayers.
2) My loving and supportive husband.  He makes me laugh a lot!  He's a great man.
3) My beautiful children.  How they bring joy into my life.  They bring more fulfillment to my life than anything else.
4) My body.  I'm grateful that I was blessed with a strong and healthy body. It continues to serve and bless me.
5) My mind.  I'm grateful for my mind and that I'm capable of thinking about many things at the same time and find answers and connections to between two ideas with relative ease. 
6) My Spirit.  My spirit is strong, vibrant and ready to grow and soar! 

 

*I acknowledge that this post was probably more for me to be honest with myself about what I'm going through rather than a post that will serve you in any way at all.  If you read this, thanks for your kind listening ears (or more eyes in this instance, hehe).  :)

Lesson #1 on Parenting from the Old Testament

This was the only image I could find of Adam and Eve after they were clothed.  :)

 

I decided to start going through the Old Testament (it has been a long time since I read through it), and study parenting.  The first lesson I found was in Genesis 2:24, which reads,

 

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

 

 

This scripture reminded me on the importance of building a strong foundation at the beginning of a marriage before children are born.  A blessing (or a challenge depending on how you look at it) in marriage is that you come from two different backgrounds.  With those backgrounds, you have perspectives, ideas and experiences that can help create a new family and life. 

 

The counsel I see in this verse is to make sure to "leave" our parents.  That may be literal but it also can be theoretical.  How awful for a marriage to come in and say, "Well my parents always did it like this?"  Or to continue to rely on your parents like you did when you were single and under their care.  That isn't healthy either.

 

A husband and wife should stand up together, independent from their families and begin something new and wonderful together.  Remember what they've been taught but relying on each other and on the Lord for guidance and direction as you create a home and life that is enriching, purposeful, meaningful and full of love. 

 

That is a great gift to give children a solid foundation in love and purpose.  They join the family and learn who they are, that they belong to a family that loves and honors one another and enjoys being together.  A family with values and traditions.

 

A couple ways that Jared and I have adapted our upbringings to fit our family is 1), lots of love and affection.  I came from a pretty verbally/physically affectionate family.  Or possibly that was more me instigating all the love.  I don't know.  But in the Jared & Marvia Hall family, we give lots of hugs and kisses.  Our children see me and Jared express our love for each other and we show love for each of them.  They show love towards each other as well.  Typically after morning and evening prayer, we have hug fests. hahaha!  We just hug and kiss everyone and Jared gives the kids "tickle attacks".  It is fun and connects us all to each other.

 

Another one is that Jared came from a home with structure and routine.  They were very consistent with scripture study and prayer.  This has taken us some time to establish but we've managed to figure out our own way and time to study together and prayer together.  Having the consistency to reconnect as a family in our faith in the Lord has been a great blessing to us as well.

 

So, what habits or traditions has your family created to strengthen your bonds to one another?  

Tapping about Cheese

 

The first time I started doing EFT by myself was a couple years ago.  I bought the "EFT for Weight loss" booklet and read through it.  One thing it suggested was write down all memories that you feel may have contributed to overeating and gaining unhealthy weight.  So I did.  It was long. 

 

After writing out my list, the book instructed to just start from the top and start tapping the memories out.  One point it made was to pay attention to where your mind goes as your tap.  If an emotion or memory comes into your mind go with it.  So I did.  While Jared was out of town and I had the evening to myself, I spent 45 minutes or so tapping.  The following is a portion of what I tapped through (I get pretty personal. It is my hope that by being open, my experience will be a blessing to you):

 

As many girls can attest, high school is rough. When I was in 9th grade (age 15), I was a pretty cute girl.  I had a nice figure.  I was aware of this because boys were commenting all the time.  To a point that it made me uncomfortable.  How would you feel if a boy walked up to you and told you to bend over (my nickname was ghetto booty)? My reaction was usually telling them off and walking away (which bothered me too because I knew they were staring at my butt.  So annoying!)
 



Well, there was a breaking point where I was put in a very compromising situation.  Unbeknownst to anyone in my family, while my brother's friend spent the night and while everyone was asleep, he came into my room and crawled in bed with me.  I didn't have the maturity or guts to scream.  I assumed I'd get into trouble.  He was pawing at me and I was doing everything I could to get him out without making a fuss.  I don't want to leave the impression that he was trying to rape me.  But he was 19 and accustom to a girl being much more "free".  Not me.  By the worlds standard, it would be considered a harmless make out.  For me, I felt used and an object.  After 3 attempts and locking my door, he left me alone. 

 

So I tapped out that experience.  I was surprised by how much emotion it brought up.  Feelings of being not seen for me, not heard, no one protecting me, not respected, feeling worthless and on and on.  I recalled having the distinct thought that I didn't want boys liking me for my body anymore.  It was a somewhat conscious decision.  I stopped dressing cute.  I just focused on my personality.  There were a couple wonderful guys that I liked a lot and they liked me but I pushed them away because I didn't feel worthy of them. 

 





 

While tapping this out, I had a random memory of changing my after school snack around this time.  Typically I would eat oranges and carrots like crazy after school.  Then it went to quesadillas.  It started with one and it grew to 3 or 4.  Gross, huh?  It was like I was trying to numb myself for the pain I felt.  I tapped about the quesadillas and the emotions I felt surrounding those memories of eating them during that time.  It was wild.  I had a physiology response to the tapping, the taste of cheese came into my mouth and it made me gag.  When I finished tapping this out.  I no longer wanted cheese.  It no longer served its purpose in my life anymore. 

 

Up until this tapping experience, cheese had been something I craved whenever I was stressed or feeling insecure.  Now it is just there.  For awhile, I wanted nothing to do with it.  I've come to a point where I appreciate the flavor but I don't crave it anymore.

 

Now I just need to tap out sugar and bread!!! That may take a couple hours.  Or more. :)