Background and Context

  Since 2007, I have been in the "baby making" practice. :)

2007 baby girl!

2008 baby boy!

2010 baby girl!

2012 baby boy!

After a long difficult labor with my first, I learned that my body is not capable of delivering a baby naturally and I had to have a caesarian.  My hippie heart was devastated by this revelation.  On the flip side, I felt tremendous gratitude to live in an age where both I and my children could survive childbirth.  During my last pregnancy with baby #4, we pondered and prayed a lot about whether or not our family was complete.  We felt strongly that it was and decided while I was already open, to have a tubal ligation.  There were serious life-threatening complications during my last caesarian.  I was blessed with great peace of mind and confirmation that we were making the right choice to shutdown my "baby making" practice.  It was time to enter the next chapter in our family.

Not everyone has a negative experience with caesarians.  Some friends of mine love them and recommend them.  That is just crazy to me.  Great for them.  CRAZY to me.  I have a horrible reaction to the anesthesia.  The pain killers make me loopy (a feeling I do not enjoy).  My body is heavily weak for far too long during my recovery.  It got easier with each baby because I knew how to prepare myself and what to do during recovery but it was still terrible.  My body felt violated and my natural rhythm is still disturbed.

It takes a long time for me to feel like "me" again.  Because I had my children so close together, I haven't felt like me that often in the last few years.  My body has put on a lot of excess weight that bogs me down.  My brain has been fuzzy due to severe sleep deprivation.  I have been in survival mode.  I have ups and downs with my productivity.

My personal struggle is that I'm not a high energy person to start with and then I'm adding on to it extended post partum recovery due to surgery and all the hormonal imbalances that come with having babies.  I have  a lot to work with right now.  I have many responsibilities as a wife, mother, member in my congregation, massage therapist, friend, daughter, and the least of my favorites, house work!  All are good and necessary parts to my life but let me be honest, I feel like I'm barely holding on a lot of the time.

There is nothing wrong with my life, I'm just not managing it well in order to maximize on all the wonderful aspects that my life offers.  For over a year now, this blog has been popping into my mind.  I'd push the thought away because it was just one more thing to add to my already demanding life.  But all good things are persistent in coming back and giving you gentle nudges of what to do next, this one nuzzled back in again and now I'm ready for it.

Story Time: I'm seriously drugged up in this picture.  My baby had been born just a few hours prior to this picture.  There is no way I could've handled having my kids on me with my swollen, stitched up belly without strong painkillers.

******Let me make it clear on a certain point, I have no regrets with the spacing of my children.  I know that this is how my family was designed to be organized.  Our decision may be insane to you.  Let's be honest, it is. :)  But it is right for us.  I love my children and am eternally grateful to have them in my family.  I know they needed to come into our family together quickly to be a strength to each other as they grow.*******