I really haven't forgotten about this blog. I think about it everyday. Sometime in April, I just hit a wall. Up until that point, I was on fire with my goals and feeling healthier and stronger. One evening I had a bad dream. I dreamt that I was in the operating room having my 5th child delivered, a beautiful little boy and my heart just burst with love for him but I never got to hold him. In the dream, I felt my spirit leave my body and just like that I left Jared and the kids without a wife and mother. This dream haunted me.
Technically (since I had my tubes tied), I should not be able to get pregnant again. The dream was so real though that I was very stressed about it. My emotions were so torn. On one end, the love I felt for that precious little boy was intense and real, I wanted that child in my life. But the thought of dying and leaving my family devastated me. I think the stressed took a toll on my cycle because I was late. That freaked me out!!! I'm never late unless I'm pregnant. Alas, I'm not pregnant. It really was just a dream. I didn't handle it well, though.
Dreams can have such a power over us sometimes. Well, it totally threw me off my course. I just nose dived into a funk. My thoughts have been darker and more self critical than they have been in a LONG time. My physical strength and motivation plummeted that same week. Something happened and I'm still trying to pinpoint what exactly happened in that experience that would create such a fall for me.
Then because I'm me and guilt-prone, I felt bad for not being able to say that I'm on the road to thriving. I let myself down and who likes to announce to the world that they are weak? I feel terribly weak and alone. I write this and my mind is telling me that no one can relate to me. No one is as pathetic as I am at this point and who wants to hear or be around that? I sure don't at this moment. See!?! Aren't my thoughts horrible!?! I'm sure I'm not alone and that there are others who relate to this and probably also relate to feeling alone in suffering. Our minds are so strange and fascinating.
Anyway, I really despise these feelings. It makes me feel like no one can ask me for help or is comfortable being around me and that people just want to let me be to sort things out. Gosh, then I feel like a freak for even acknowledging this. Oh well, this is how I feel and despite how irrational I know it is... it is what it is.
Last night, I was reading an article on the Law of Attraction and the importance of expressing gratitude in our lives (and how blessings will begin to flow more abundantly as we have and express more gratitude). It hit me, I haven't been in the most grateful spirit for the last month or so. Let me end this long post with what I am grateful for:
1) Prayer - I know my Father and Heaven hears and answers my prayers.
2) My loving and supportive husband. He makes me laugh a lot! He's a great man.
3) My beautiful children. How they bring joy into my life. They bring more fulfillment to my life than anything else.
4) My body. I'm grateful that I was blessed with a strong and healthy body. It continues to serve and bless me.
5) My mind. I'm grateful for my mind and that I'm capable of thinking about many things at the same time and find answers and connections to between two ideas with relative ease.
6) My Spirit. My spirit is strong, vibrant and ready to grow and soar!
*I acknowledge that this post was probably more for me to be honest with myself about what I'm going through rather than a post that will serve you in any way at all. If you read this, thanks for your kind listening ears (or more eyes in this instance, hehe). :)
